Monthly Archives: March 2007

Current Events.

I'm making time for this, despite my schedule.

  1. Typically mild-mannered Vinnie went on Poo Strike 2007 and refused to poo so we could get our stool sample for the vet, but once I got him to the vet, he was so scared he pissed and shat all over the exam room, tried to bite the vet when she tried to clip his toenails, and growled at the vet's assistant.  Not exactly a model patient.
  2. I stopped in at Sears Hardware to pick up a mulching kit for our riding mower, so I'm not blowing grass all over my garden again this summer.  The guy who 'helped' me looked at me askance when I asked for a mulching kit, then derisively (because I have ovaries, ergo I am stupid) told me they don't have mulching 'kits' but they have mulching 'blades.'  Although I was pretty sure I needed more than just a blade, I wasn't entirely confident in my request, so I said, 'Yeah, maybe that's what I need.'  He took me to the blades and saw they had 42" mulching / bagging blades.  He mused over the fact that there were only mulching / bagging blades, not just mulching blades, until I pointed out, 'Um, okay, but if they're mulching AND bagging blades, and I don't have a bag, won't they just mulch and lay it on the ground?' 
    Guy:  'Uh, yeah, I guess so.' 
    Me:  'Riiiiiiiiiiight.' 
    Guy:  'Do you need anything else today?' 
    Me:  'Yeah, but you know, I think I can find it myself.' 
    So there, Smart Guy.
  3. I also picked up a ridiculously overpriced Craftsman crescent wrench for Greg, only to find another wrench (which also has a lifetime warranty) for a quarter of the price at Lowes.  I bought the Lowes one too, thinking we'd just return the Craftsman.  Greg needs a wrench for a 1.5" nut.  This Lowes wrench is specifically marked that it will open to 1.5".  It does not do any such thing, SILLY PEOPLE who thought it would do what it says it will do.  
  4. Greg got pissed enough at all of this to tell me he's going to take back the wrench and the mulching blade to Sears Hardware and get 'bowdy bowdy' on them.    Raise your hand if you think the second half of that sentence is true.  Anyone?  Anyone?  Bueller?

har har!


Leprechaun Love

I know it’s early, but this week and next are shaping up to be very busy.  I hope to find time (and subject matter) to post before the weekend, but just in case I don’t…



What’s With the Dogs?

I don't know what is wrong with people.

Every day Ethan and I go to pick Laurel up from school.  Every day, there are at least three parents who bring their dogs.  Some of them even carry the creatures indoors on rainy days, when parent pick-up is inside.

Now don't get me wrong, I like dogs and Vinnie almost always rides along in the back of the car.  But that's just it — I don't allow him out of the back of the car.  He sits there and enviously watches the action while Ethan and I collect Laurel.  I would never let him out.  However, these other nutcases seem to think it incumbent upon them to take their dogs out of the car and bring them up to wait for the kids to come outside.

What if the dogs freak out and bite a child?  What if the dogs get into a fight? What if a child is very allergic?  This is just stupid, and I think it's another case of parents over-indulging their kids.  I'm sure that little Johnny saw someone do it and then came home saying, 'Mom, will you bring Fido to parent pick-up tomorrow?  Pleeeeease?  Pleeeeeeeeeeease?  Rachel's mom brings Muffy!  If you don't bring Fido you don't love me!' and instead of having a friggin' backbone, Mom gives in and brings the stupid dog. 

People, seriously.  Dogs have no place at an elementary school.  Yes, even your dog.  Keep it in the car or leave it at home.

Fer cryin' out loud.

And don't even get me started on the parents who won't hang up the cell phone for 5 minutes to greet their children.


Laurel 2008.

Laurel:  "Ugh!  Look at all the trash those people threw out along the road!"

Me:  "Well, I guess you'll have to execute them, then."

Laurel:  "I haven't executed anyone yet, and I don't want to execute anyone.  Only if I were President."

Greg:  "If you were President you would want to execute people?"

Laurel:  "I would have to, to help my country."

Greg:  "What if the person you executed wasn't actually guilty?"

Laurel:  "I would know if they were guilty.  I would ask them and ask their family if they were guilty."

Greg:  "What if they lied to you?"

Laurel:  (after much thought)  "If they lied, they would get 5 years in jail."

Greg:  "You'd better have a lot of jails if the penalty for lying is 5 years and the penalty for telling the truth is execution."

Laurel:  "I meant if they lied, they would be executed.  If they told the truth, I'd give them 5 years in jail."

Me:  "Who would determine whether they were lying or telling the truth?"

Laurel:  "I would." 

Me:  "Good luck running on that platform."


On Living with Wiseguys.

Me: "Laurel, I love your outfit.  I really love it."

Greg: [sarcasm] "Well, why don't you marry it." [/sarcasm]

Me:  [sarcasm] "Well FINE, maybe I just WILL!" [/sarcasm]

Laurel:  "You may now kiss the clothing."

Happy Birthday…

…to my sister Anita.  May she have a great time in KC this weekend and refrain from gambling everything away.

Hey Anita, remember how I used to pick on you and pester you when we were kids?






I miss that.


Har har!

Crystals or Crack?

I'm half expecting a call from Laurel's school today.  She and Greg grew some crystals over the weekend, and she decided to take a few of them to school today for show and tell.  The crystals are made with monoammonium phosphate, which carries a 'caution' label, so we decided to put them in a baggie and tape it closed.

Unfortunately, the result looks like big crack rocks: 

Friends, this could prove to be an interesting day.  Stay tuned.

If Laurel were President.

When I went to school for Laurel's Valentine party, I noticed the kids had been brainstorming on what they would do if they were President of the United States.  Most of their stories were posted in the hallway, and I chuckled as I saw that some of the kids would jail litterbugs.  "What little fascists," I thought.  I asked Laurel's teacher where her essay was, and she pointed out that Laurel's was still at her desk.

Hoo-boy.  My amusement at the other students' ideas of jailing polluters was short-lived.  Here are the highlights of Laurel's essay (she hasn't brought home the essay itself in its finished form, so here is her draft):

"If I were President of the United States, I would make many important decisions.  I would keep the air clean and get rid of cars and only allow bicycles.  I would do this so our nation would be stronger.  People that polluted would be executed.  I would make sure people conserve by making sure humans took only what they need.  I would get rid of nuclear weapons.  I would have them recycled."

So, to recap:  Laurel is a litterbug-exterminating pinko commie who recycles plutonium.  That's my girl.